Such a studious boy

photo posted from my iPhone

halloween09

zombies drying their nails

oh kiko

cutest lil famingo ever!

off we go!

my costume is called “dead tired mama”

as i look again at medical records

wow.

every so often i go back and read the kids’ family assessment from dcf or their medical records from when they were born and when they were in foster care….and it’s different experience every time.

from the first time, skimming them while our social worker and their sw sat at a long table, across from us, smiling and nodding. strange to think back on that day. christmas eve of last year, it was slushy and snowy and we were afraid the disclosure would be cancelled. but we made it there and were able to get all of the very little info on our soon-to-be kids. we signed a paper meaning we wanted to move forward with the process, one we thought would take a few months. meanwhile, back in their separate foster home, our soon-to-be kids were in the throes of a family illness in the foster family which would end in death within a few days. little did we know that in five short days from signing that paper, we’d have our children in our home.

we signed a form, not even having seen our kids. knowing nothing but the basic facts. mom had a Hx of drug abuse. kids were with her for a year and then she relapsed. i remember catching lani’s eye while reading through those dcf documents. because she tried. it was all there in print. lord, did she try to hang onto those, her 4th and 5th babies. but like the ones before them, they were removed because she relapsed. she stayed clean (as far as we know) through her to pregnancies with them, and for that we are grateful. however, i can never know what it’s like to be her, and every day i wish her strength and hope.

on the day our children were placed with us, we received a call that their birthmom had given birth to another infant that day, our kids’ bio baby brother, and her 6th child. ohhhh we wanted him, we did. and yet, we knew our limits and we knew that we were stretched beyond belief with the two in our home. baby went to another loving adoptive family and we hope to meet him someday soon.

there’s so much to process, it makes sense that it’s taken me almost a year to start remembering. finally putting space and time between those months of chaos, vulnerability, fear, concern, joy, beauty, lack of time……..

today i’m taking kiko to get his ridge looked at. i’m gathering medical records. i’m remembering every time i had to re-visit his life before i knew him as my son. when he was 4 pounds 7 oz! with jaundice and a fever. when he was 2 months with bronchitis and when he missed visits for immunizations. there are no photos of them before they were ours, and so i try to imagine his huge eyes, and tiny, muscle-y body. i bet he was beautiful. i try to imagine him crawling and smiling. i try to imagine what it was like the night he and his sister were removed. and then separated. he was 1. she was almost 2. i try to imagine their birthmother, struggling with 2 babies, the way we struggle with them now.

in the tidal wave that has become our first months with our children, i’m only now coming up for air. our kids are needy, and sometimes downright BAD. kiko screams and screechs and hits and sometimes i feel like his sole purpose in life is to “nudge” people. to see how far he can push till someone yells. ohhhh and for how many months till we finally got angry back? till i would lie awake at night thinking i failed because i thought i’d never yell at my kids and there i was, screaming at my 2 year old something like,”WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT????” and now L and i have a sortof joke about that question posed to our kids. we then say to ourselves, “well, mom, i did it because i don’t know the limits, they were never modeled. i did it because i want to see if you are gonna stay, and if you will love me and tuck me in tonight even though i just bit you. i want to know if you will still feed me even if i slap you in the face. well, mom, i did it because i’m afraid, i’m hyperactive, i have issues with sensory input and i am TWO. see, mom, i have good reasons. thanks for asking.”

it helps to put it in perspective. sometimes. sometimes it doesn’t and that’s when we know we need a date.

we’ve worked hard. we’ve fought. we’ve come undone. we’ve come back together. we’ve had to create time for ourselves even when we are so exhausted all we want to do is sleep. we’ve had to get used to being embarassed in front of other people because our kids can get way out of control. we’ve had to remind ourselves that we are our biggest critics. we’ve had to create limits and boundaries when we really wish we didn’t have to. when we wish we could just “let them be kids” when the reality is, we can’t. because they can’t. because without limits, they crash and it all ends bad. we’ve had to look like stern, rigid parents, giving a thousand directives because both kids have auditory processing issues. yes, we are those parents in the grocery saying, “please walk next to me, walk right here, next to the cart kiko, look at my face, where should you be walking?” yes, there is a lot of, “look at my face…”

ohhhhhhh. all this because i looked at some medical records.

i guess what i’m trying to say is, it’s been hard. it’s been really, really fucking harder than i ever could have imagined. and yet, we’re all still here. the hard part doesn’t stop. i don’t think it will ever stop. we have kids now and they are practically the same age, and they’ve experienced trauma together, and they are still figuring out what family is all about. and so are we. and some days when i realize OH MY GOD, IT’S NEVER GONNA LET UP AND GET EASIER and i border on panic, i remember that hey, we are all in it together now. they aren’t separate from us anymore. we are a unit, and we sink or we swim … and sometimes we even fly. sometimes we are all good and we all fall down and laugh at it all – and that’s when i know we are really, truly a family now. because we it gets really crazy, like this morning …. when the dogs are barking and won’t stop and the plumber is here banging, and no one remembers how to put socks on because really no one wants to go to school or work, and when mama can’t find her keys, and kiko keeps saying, “leemee lone!” and kyiz won’t stop whining about the coat she can’t find and the belt she can’t find, and when i can’t find my wallet and then kiko says, “i hide your wallet mama hahahahahaha!” and i wan’t to scream but i laugh instead, and when i can’t remember where i put my coffee and kyiz laughs hysterically saying, “it’s on your BOOTY, mama” and when we finally get out the door only to realize our pumpkins have been stolen from the front porch and kiko says, “they go find their mommy?” and i can’t believe we got out of the house in one piece and finally we get in the car and i let out a huge EXHALE and kyiz says, “mama, you tired?”

YES. i am tired. and i would not trade this journey for all the sleep in the world!

a most perfect moment

yes. i’m typing this a 5:48 am because i’ve been up since 3 with my son. screech decided that 3 am was wake up time this morning and no matter what i did to try to get him back to sleep (including bringing him in our bed) just wasn’t working. he’s UP! so here we are in the basement together. he’s got his train and his rice cake. i gots coffee and a blog…….

so anyways. yesterday screech got sent home from school for being (un)sick. no fever. nothing other than “he seems sluggish.” L was also home yesterday not feeling great so they spent the day eating pretzels. so in an effort to separate the kids so that mommy wasn’t too overwhelmed all afternoon, i picked up sass from school and took her out to dinner. driving home after dinner, she spotted the playground near our house and asked if we could stop. it was nearly dusk and it was chilly but it felt better in the moment to give her a “yes, we’ll only stay for a few minutes” than a “no.” so we bundled up headed for the slides.

sassy is an EXTEMELY fast runner – natural spinter with killer speed. and of course, she loves me to chase her around – especially because she knows i can’t catch her. so there we are playing chase for quite some time and though i realize it’s getting darker, i decide that i’ll chase her till nightfall and pass on going to the gym that evening. (ha)

so you know the fall evenings that glow ….? where just for a few minutes everything is subtle and intense all at the same time the sky is baby blue and indigo all at the same time and everything held in the balance by an orange glow that has a smell? and there we were, my daughter and me, running down a huge hill in damp green and red- leaf-crunch polka dotted grass. the only sound was her giggling with delight and the only thing i could feel was a steady pull toward her. and then we were down on the ground crunching and rolling and grass-staining our clothes. i was tickling her belly through her coat as she threw off her hat and looked right at me and said, “mama, i love you.” like nothing i’d ever heard before. nothing. tears were rolling down my cheeks and before she could ask i whispered, “sometimes grown-ups cry when they are really, really happy.” and she touched my face and asked, “you happy, mama?” i nodded and i think i said, yes, yes i am. but i’m not sure because it was a moment and then, just like that, she was up and running and i was in her wake, amazed, stunned, full like i was gonna explode.

it wasn’t “good night, i love you” or “see ya soon, i love you” ………… whatever it was, i’m gonna remember that moment for the rest of  my life.

screech’s ridge has a name. a long one.

feverishly planning adoption party. get weepy every time i look at the invite. will scan it for you all to see once it gets here.

in the news: i was randomly googling stuff at work the other day and decided to look up “forehead ridge” as i feel that screech’s ridge had gotten a bit more pronounced. since our pedi doesn’t seem that concerned about it, we assumed it was just the way screech’s head was made. alas, expecting nothing to appear on my google search, i was completely SHOCKED (as in , yelled HOLY SHIT, THIS IS MY SON!!!) to my whole office when right there in front of me were photos of forehead ridges just like screech’s and the term “trigonocephaly.” the first link that caught my eye was a blog entry about a child with a ridge that was linked to some of his behavior issues due to restricted brain growth and reduced blood flow to the frontal lobe. practically hyperventilating, i skim over about 10 more web pages and medical journal articles about the ridge. they all sound like my child. within the hour you can bet i was on the phone with the pedi office. and of course, our pedi is out of town for the week so i’m giving all this information to some nurse who is gonna relay the info to some doc we don’t know so that we can get a referral to children’s.

meanwhile, L began doing her own research (after i sent her 10 text messages at work all starting with OMG! HOLY SHIT!) and internet sleuth that she is, she discovered a department at children’s that specializes in this craniosynotosis (yeah, try saying it aloud). i called that day and asked if we could schedule a consult with a neurosurgeon – which seems to be the route people take given what i had read. she asked me to send pics of screech so that she could assess the urgency of his situation since the consults only take place on every other friday and they book 4 months out. so on thursday night, i sent her 5 photos that i felt really showed his ridge. on friday morning, i got an email from her saying that she’d like for screech to come in this coming friday and that she was fitting him in. this makes me nervous since she told me the appointments are based on severity.

from what i can tell from my compulsive internet research, it seems like there are 2 options. 1. is that the docs just watch the ridge for a while if they determine that there is no problem to the brain. 2. major surgery. a surgery which some people swear has cured their children of hyperactivity, aggression, speech issues, etc. – all things my screech possesses. it seems like, since this appt. on friday is just a consult, that it’s gonna be a bit of a journey. if there is concern, we move on to MRI and brain scans etc..

poor screech. i’m so worried and at the same time, …. hopeful? relieved? maybe this is what’s going on with him??

in good news: had a blast at the topsfield fair last weekend. met up with some friends we met in our adoption class. family fun for all.

and now we are prepping for “spooky spooky” times. weather is crisp and coats are washed and ready for winter.

when i’m not freaking out about screech’s ridge, i’m freaking out out about HOW THE HELL are we gonna fit the 100 people we are inviting in our house for the adoption party????????

photo posted from my iPhone

Sometimes they are just so cute!

photo posted from my iPhone

life these days

well let’s see. since last i blogged….

we ate a lot of apple infused desserts pies, crumbles, more pies, applesauce in the works…..

with the crisp, cool weather, we’ve done some re-organizing of kid clothes and it was like christmas mornings. lemme preface: i buy kid clothes in all sizes – if i like it and it’s on sale i buy it. so, opening a bin full of new clothes, 1 size bigger for both kids, was a lot of fun. and a little, teeny bit sad. they are GROWING!!! my 2 and 3 are now 3 and 4s!!!

i’m beginning a spanish class on saturday mornings. i’ve wanted to do this for a while but now that my kids go to a bi-lingual school and come home speaking a good deal of spanish and apparently (according to sassy’s teacher) sass completely understands directives in spanish, i made it a priority. i’m excited casue i feel like it’s something special i can do with my kids for quite a while. it comes so naturally for sass because i think she spent most of her life in a spanish speaking foster home. screech, not so much but i think that’s gonna change since he is now at her school.

oh yeah! we had a school shift. screech now goes to BIG BOY school with his sister. thank G*D they made it so that they are not in the same class (being 10 months apart – the class is 3-5 yr olds…). he loves it and we LOVE it, too. one drop off and pick up makes life a LOT easier!

and in 2 weeks in starting an ikkari.m class at our soon to be temple. the focus is raising jewish kids in todays society etc. it is geared toward interfaith couples and so i’m feeling like it’ll be a next step for me to get a sense of the direction we are trying to go with the kids. it’s a confusing journey for us as parents – interfaith, multicultural family that we are. never sure of what’s “right” for the kids as far as religion. we do celebrate shabbat on most fridays and they seem to really love the tradition and so we went ahead and did the high holy days with them recently – which they also enjoyed. i think it’s just gonna be a learning process for all of us – and we are all in it together as a family. which is actually pretty cool.

in very exciting news……….we got our court documents for the adoption with the kids’ new names and the court date. that was pretty awesome. nov. 20th – not far away!

and finally, for the worrisome news – i’m not at work today because they are having lay offs at my office. because i’m the newest hire, i will be the first to go. however, there is a person who is considering leaving at our office, in whoch case i could stay. because it was handled kindof poorly starting 3 days ago, and because it’s been a back and forth thing (wanting me to transfer to a job an hour away, telling me if i don’t i will not be able to collect unemployment because they offered me a position ….) i took today off because i’m tired of being in the office freaking out about my job. i’ll know more next week. i love my job so i’m praying it all works out.

and because i’m home today, i surpised the kids this morning – told them NO SCHOOL! we are having a mama/kid FUN DAY!!! and um, since it’s not even 8 am and i’m still in jammies on my second cup of coffee and the kids are still in jammies and smelly peepee pullups from last night, circling the computer desk and screaming, “YAAAAAAY NO ESCUELA!!! CAN WE GO TO THE ZOO? CAN WE GET APPLES? MAMA, CAN YOU TICKLE ME? CAN WE RIDE A TRAIN? CAN WE PAINT? I WANNA WATCH WORD GIRL!!! STOP TOUCHING ME, KIKO!!!!!, MAMA, KIKO TOUCHED ME!!!! ……………………………………………………………… i’m thinking, oh shit, what the hell was i thinking!?!?!?

wish me luck.

apple picking!!!!!!!

new year – rosh hashanah pics.

we started the holiday off just right on friday afternoon – cooking, cooking, cooking. then we all sat down for a nice shabbat/new year meal followed by lots of singing. then we filled up the air mattress and had a slumber party in the living room. it was lots of fun. this morning we made challah french toast and took some VERY wired kids to the farmer’s market for some fall fun. spent the rest of the day making my kick-ass chicken noodle soup and sitting in the yard enjoying the weather.

pics from the kids’ first rosh hashanah:

sass and nola hard at work!

sass shows us her sugar hands

it was good at the time. and then it was really, really bad….screech on sugar is a nightmare.