wow.
every so often i go back and read the kids’ family assessment from dcf or their medical records from when they were born and when they were in foster care….and it’s different experience every time.
from the first time, skimming them while our social worker and their sw sat at a long table, across from us, smiling and nodding. strange to think back on that day. christmas eve of last year, it was slushy and snowy and we were afraid the disclosure would be cancelled. but we made it there and were able to get all of the very little info on our soon-to-be kids. we signed a paper meaning we wanted to move forward with the process, one we thought would take a few months. meanwhile, back in their separate foster home, our soon-to-be kids were in the throes of a family illness in the foster family which would end in death within a few days. little did we know that in five short days from signing that paper, we’d have our children in our home.
we signed a form, not even having seen our kids. knowing nothing but the basic facts. mom had a Hx of drug abuse. kids were with her for a year and then she relapsed. i remember catching lani’s eye while reading through those dcf documents. because she tried. it was all there in print. lord, did she try to hang onto those, her 4th and 5th babies. but like the ones before them, they were removed because she relapsed. she stayed clean (as far as we know) through her to pregnancies with them, and for that we are grateful. however, i can never know what it’s like to be her, and every day i wish her strength and hope.
on the day our children were placed with us, we received a call that their birthmom had given birth to another infant that day, our kids’ bio baby brother, and her 6th child. ohhhh we wanted him, we did. and yet, we knew our limits and we knew that we were stretched beyond belief with the two in our home. baby went to another loving adoptive family and we hope to meet him someday soon.
there’s so much to process, it makes sense that it’s taken me almost a year to start remembering. finally putting space and time between those months of chaos, vulnerability, fear, concern, joy, beauty, lack of time……..
today i’m taking kiko to get his ridge looked at. i’m gathering medical records. i’m remembering every time i had to re-visit his life before i knew him as my son. when he was 4 pounds 7 oz! with jaundice and a fever. when he was 2 months with bronchitis and when he missed visits for immunizations. there are no photos of them before they were ours, and so i try to imagine his huge eyes, and tiny, muscle-y body. i bet he was beautiful. i try to imagine him crawling and smiling. i try to imagine what it was like the night he and his sister were removed. and then separated. he was 1. she was almost 2. i try to imagine their birthmother, struggling with 2 babies, the way we struggle with them now.
in the tidal wave that has become our first months with our children, i’m only now coming up for air. our kids are needy, and sometimes downright BAD. kiko screams and screechs and hits and sometimes i feel like his sole purpose in life is to “nudge” people. to see how far he can push till someone yells. ohhhh and for how many months till we finally got angry back? till i would lie awake at night thinking i failed because i thought i’d never yell at my kids and there i was, screaming at my 2 year old something like,”WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT????” and now L and i have a sortof joke about that question posed to our kids. we then say to ourselves, “well, mom, i did it because i don’t know the limits, they were never modeled. i did it because i want to see if you are gonna stay, and if you will love me and tuck me in tonight even though i just bit you. i want to know if you will still feed me even if i slap you in the face. well, mom, i did it because i’m afraid, i’m hyperactive, i have issues with sensory input and i am TWO. see, mom, i have good reasons. thanks for asking.”
it helps to put it in perspective. sometimes. sometimes it doesn’t and that’s when we know we need a date.
we’ve worked hard. we’ve fought. we’ve come undone. we’ve come back together. we’ve had to create time for ourselves even when we are so exhausted all we want to do is sleep. we’ve had to get used to being embarassed in front of other people because our kids can get way out of control. we’ve had to remind ourselves that we are our biggest critics. we’ve had to create limits and boundaries when we really wish we didn’t have to. when we wish we could just “let them be kids” when the reality is, we can’t. because they can’t. because without limits, they crash and it all ends bad. we’ve had to look like stern, rigid parents, giving a thousand directives because both kids have auditory processing issues. yes, we are those parents in the grocery saying, “please walk next to me, walk right here, next to the cart kiko, look at my face, where should you be walking?” yes, there is a lot of, “look at my face…”
ohhhhhhh. all this because i looked at some medical records.
i guess what i’m trying to say is, it’s been hard. it’s been really, really fucking harder than i ever could have imagined. and yet, we’re all still here. the hard part doesn’t stop. i don’t think it will ever stop. we have kids now and they are practically the same age, and they’ve experienced trauma together, and they are still figuring out what family is all about. and so are we. and some days when i realize OH MY GOD, IT’S NEVER GONNA LET UP AND GET EASIER and i border on panic, i remember that hey, we are all in it together now. they aren’t separate from us anymore. we are a unit, and we sink or we swim … and sometimes we even fly. sometimes we are all good and we all fall down and laugh at it all – and that’s when i know we are really, truly a family now. because we it gets really crazy, like this morning …. when the dogs are barking and won’t stop and the plumber is here banging, and no one remembers how to put socks on because really no one wants to go to school or work, and when mama can’t find her keys, and kiko keeps saying, “leemee lone!” and kyiz won’t stop whining about the coat she can’t find and the belt she can’t find, and when i can’t find my wallet and then kiko says, “i hide your wallet mama hahahahahaha!” and i wan’t to scream but i laugh instead, and when i can’t remember where i put my coffee and kyiz laughs hysterically saying, “it’s on your BOOTY, mama” and when we finally get out the door only to realize our pumpkins have been stolen from the front porch and kiko says, “they go find their mommy?” and i can’t believe we got out of the house in one piece and finally we get in the car and i let out a huge EXHALE and kyiz says, “mama, you tired?”
YES. i am tired. and i would not trade this journey for all the sleep in the world!
this was from yesterday morning. the quote that goes with it is, “mama! i LOVE my kitty!”
zombies drying their nails
oh kiko
cutest lil famingo ever!
off we go!
my costume is called “dead tired mama”
