starting over

Jump to Comments

yesterday i got the results of my FINAL (yay!) bloodwork. i’m at last pregnancy negative. my poor little veins get a rest for a few months! 

it’s hard to describe how it felt to hear the nurse say “pregnancy negative” on the phone. i think i just said, “whew!” and she waited a minute and then replied, “so when you are ready, make an appointment with the doctor so that you can go over your plan from this point.” that was when it hit me. i felt like yelling into the phone, LOOK LADY, I’M READY, I’VE BEEN READY FOR ABOUT 20 YEARS, I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME, THE RIGHT PLACE, THE RIGHT PARTNER, THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF MONEY, THE RIGHT DONOR…….YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW READY I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but i said nothing. literally. i just sat there. and finally after a few awkward moments of silence i mumbled a barely audible, “ok.” 

and that was it. 

i stood there for a few minutes. then i sobbed. i felt empty in the way you feel empty after you drive across the country with your best friend and then suddenly, after miles and miles of unknowns and surprises and dirty little secrets, you drop her off in san francisco and you are driving … alone. and you can’t remember what it feels like to not have her there next to your right arm for all those weeks and you find yourself talking to yourself in your car for days. it was like that. like i am suddenly all alone. my ectopic became a way of life. breakfast, bloodwork, nurse calls, we chat about blood and life and lani. wait a few days, repeat. i put the sticks away, no peeing on sticks. i put our donor’s picture away, couldn’t look at that. hid the I’m Pregnant! book from myself and fully threw my mind and body into purging and bloodletting and ultrasounds and and and… 

and now i don’t know what to do with myself. is that what she means by, “when you are ready…” ??? like, really? there is more to grieve?? 

all i wanted was for this to be over. and now that it is i’m sitting here sobbing because i miss my sweet, sweet phlebotomist? 

i guess it’s good that they can’t get me in to see the RE till July 15. i guess that gives us time to have a wedding, have a honeymoon, and start over fresh. 

i guess i have more grieving to do. maybe my therapist is right – that one has to dissociate to a certain degree to get through something like this and now that it’s over and i’m forcing myself back into my body (and forcing is what i’m doing, for sure) i actually have to feel the weight of all of it. maybe there needs to not be any *forcing*. maybe the “time” she was talking about isn’t time in minutes or weeks or months. maybe it’s time in closings and openings. 

i’m not really open yet. i’m still driving around aimlessly, talking to myself and feeling around to the right of me for someone or something that is no longer there.

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized