mama bears, baby cub. warning!

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i wrote my grad school thesis on blogs as a therapeutic modality. my research included not only extensive reading on blogging, but, anonymous interviews with people from a photoblog community that i used to be very active involved with. i became fascinated with blogging during grad school when i realized how many stories were out there online for the world to see – very personal stories – women who had just been raped writing their story online before even seeing a doctor. women struggling with eating disorders blogging about their struggles. intimate accounts of affairs, break-ups, births, deaths…even blogs on which one can log on to confess. it’s all there. i began to wonder about anonymity, or lack thereof. the idea of having silent witnesses or of having a group of people who comment, usually with unconditional positive regard. i looked at this through the lens of therapist and realized that the space created online functions very much like the therapist office and the process of writing it out is highly therapeutic. 

one aspect that fascinated me is my research about writing as a therapeutic modality. it has been scientifically proven that when a person writes about trauma, the brain chemistry changes. the actual ACT of writing allows certain chemical in our brain to be released in order to help us heal. but only a certain kind of writing. you can read more about this in louise de.salvo.’s book: writing as a way of healing. she states, “writing – organizing our thoughts, venting our feelings, expressing ourselves in a complex way – (durell thought) ultimately makes us hopeful, though the act of writing itself might cause us temporary pain.”

so what KIND of writing am i talking about? well, de.salv.o states in her book, “writing that describes traumatic or distressing events in detail and how we feel about them now is the only kind of of writing about trauma that clinically has been associated with improved health. simply writing about innocuous subjects (like what we did throughout our day) or simply writing about traumatic events or venting our feelings about trauma without linking the two does not result in significant health or emotional benefits….both thinking AND feeling are involved.”

having myself authored about 12 different blogs in the last 8 years, i began to think more and more about how we write, what we write, and the whole phenomenon of the “anonymous witness” in the blogosphere. 

i used to have a blog called “for a dollar.” it was one of my first blogs and it was very personal. it started as a sex workers rights blog – something i used to be quite an activist about with the hopes of working with sex workers in a therapeutic setting. i had many links on that blog, like you all, my group of supporters and witnesses. one of my links was to pussycat ran.ch – diabl.o cody.’s site from the pre-juno years. i was thoroughly connected and passionate about my community of had-been strippers and sex worker advocates across the nation. my blog was mostly anonymous at first but over the years became less so. i ended up shutting down the blog after a few years because my focus shifted and i became more actively involved with my photos and photoblogging and couldn’t keep up with both. however, i maintain around 3 blogs at any given time – this one is my most non-anonymous blog. i have two others that are private. and one that not even my wife reads, it’s all mine. 

i was asked to speak at a conference in portland, or about blogs and therapy. i was also asked to help author a book about blogs, but, in typical me fashion, i got distracted and was already involved in other projects at the time so it just never happened. i still get emails from time to time asking about my research but for the most part it is now outdated and people are actually writing way more sophisticated books about blogs. 

so, you’re like, what’s the point???? 

well, the point is that i’m in a way re-visting some of that research and seeking out new data. not to write a book or thesis because i don’t have time. but, it’s become apparent to me that the times, they are a changin and as more and more people have access to the internet in their homes, the face of blogging is taking a less anonymous turn – and i’m not sure it’s a turn for the worse. 

as you know, i have a brother-in-law who apparently does not like me. he does not like me so much that in a fight with his sister (my wife) on the phone, after much accusing/yelling/screaming told my wife that he thinks that we were looking for attention during my ectopic pregnancy – there were crueler things said after that but my wife hung up on him. shortly after she hung up, we both got an email from him saying that he was sorry for saying such an awful thing and clearly it was out of anger. having witnessed a number of outbursts from him in the few years i’ve known him, i became tired of this cruelty no matter how much i wanted he and his sister to make amends. i decided to not email him back and wonder if i could ever forgive him. knowing that even if i could, it would take time. 

over the past couple of months, i have blogged about my wife’s family. never using names. i also sent a link to this blog after an obnoxious email from my wife’s mother who had somehow found our blog (from my wife’s brother we are guessing) and after reading it demanded i post the letter i wrote to her (because somehow this will help you all to understand that she is not as crazy and heartless as i made her out to be??? and that you will all see that i was actually the mean one). well, as you know, i did post that letter, along with ALL of the things she has done to hurt my wife and i over the years – the events leading up to my admittedly harsh and angry letter. i wrote the post, sent her a link to this blog and said that if she didn’t like what she was reading she should not visit my blog. because it’s MINE. 

somewhere in all of this, my brother-in-law has constructed a huge soapbox for himself on my blogging practice and how i am “ranting” and negative and in a sense hurting his family – even though i’ve never asked them to read my blog, no one they know is likely to come across my blog, and even if they did, i still stand strongly aside my conviction that this is MY space to write and process and as long as it’s not hurting anyone else. i have no plan to stop doing that. and up to this point, i don’t feel as though anything i wrote about my brother-in-law was particularly hurtful. i stated facts from MY life. 

recently, l. and i sent out a mass email to pretty much everyone we know about our adoption process, how excited we are, what foster to adopt means, etc.. it was a very positive, happy, and just-to-fill-you-in sort of thing. she chose to send the email to her dad with whom she gets along. she chose to NOT send it to her mom, as they aren’t speaking (see note). l. mades the decision to include her brother in the mass email even though they are not really talking right now because she feels that if she didn’t he’d be pissed that she DIDN’T include him. she gets a response from him to, (mind you – to the email in which we share the news about our very near adoption and happiness) “take me off your email list.” nice. 

the next day, she apparently sents him an email explaining why she sent that mass email to him –  that though she knows that they aren’t getting along right now, she loves him and didn’t want to exclude him from her life. she even said that she understands that it may have felt to him that it came out of nowhere and that she wanted to apologize for that and that she was hurt by his response but understood that he is angry. 

he responds that he does not approve of us adopting a child because he doesn’t like me on and on… cruel, hurtful things. things you can’t and don’t just say “sorry” for. sort of like the comment about using our loss of a child to get attention. 

mind you, i’ve stayed out of all of this. i just write it down right here. i don’t read the emails, i don’t listen to the calls – i’ve chosen to be happy and focus on OUR family. interestingly enough, in all of this, l. and i have been called “angry” by her mother and her brother. yet, here we are over here, living our lives and creating boundaries and asking for space. and here they are violating that space or saying really unbelievable hurtful things and yet … WE are angry ones??? 

sadly, i don’t think they check this blog to see how our adoption is going, or to catch a glimpse into our lives – i think they come here to see if i’ve posted about them so that they have more fodder for how terrible a person i am for “ranting” and “venting.” yes, you see, we are very negative people. 

this is my life. the good, the bad, the ugly. i’m not interested in character assassination, i’m interested in my process. i’m here writing because i know people are listening. i’m here writing because people will say what i need to hear. i’m here writing and you all have a choice to read or not. nothing i say will make you lose your job, get a divorce, prevent you from being hired, or cause any MORE family strife than some people have had for ages. any one of you may or may not like what you read, be repulsed, offended, or even angry. and some of you tell me that and some of you don’t. ultimately i write for ME. to organize my thoughts, vent my feelings, and express my self in a complex (or not so complex) way. 

l. and i are so excited right now and i see her beginning to glow like any mommy-to-be. i can see how she is becoming softer, her eyes brighter (our social worker even commented on that in our home study), and her touch is warmer and lingers that way until she has drifted off to sleep. i’ve been thinking about how our bodies prepare for motherhood and whether or not certain kinesthetic changes take place for adoptive parents. and now i know that they do. and there are organizational changes aka nesting – l. actually cleaning out her car (this is a BIG deal for her). and there is emotional preparedness – the shift from our roles as daughter/sister in our family of origin to mommy and mama in our new family. there is a lot to be lost and even more to be gained and like any growth spurt it’s painful and memorable and inevitable. 

remember the post i wrote about nola? the one where i talked about the letter we got from a family friend about making decision about nola’s health? and remember the gist was, “welcome to being moms” ……

here we are on the brink, probably weeks/months away from our lives changing forever. it feels like SOOO long a wait to us right now but in the grand scheme, it’s not. we need this time to learn everything we can about those kinds of decisions and how to make them. and the in-between that comes with waiting/fearing/hoping/and letting go. and how it occurred to me that the most important thing we can have during the in-between times/growing times is grace. 

suddenly it’s not about us. it’s about someone else out there. a little person who doesn’t even know it yet but who will make our lives worth every bit of loss and pain and struggle we have endured. a little person that we would die trying to protect from harm and hurt at the hands of anyone, including our blood relatives. it’s not about what they say to us – it’s not about us anymore. it’s about the little person who should never have to know how much cruelty exists … but does, and will. but i swear to you, over my dead body will this child endure the clouded, house-of-mirrors antics of family drama. there will be no talk of disapproval of his or her presence in our lives. not on our phone, not in our email box, and not in a card or letter, not even suggested to the sliver of universe that surrounds our home. 

even in gay-achussetts, in our cozy little gay neighborhood, we are aware of the hatred and discrimination in our world toward our gay-ass selves. we are mostly safe here but i can guarantee you that the minute we leave this state and the minute we show up in slidell, la (where my family lives) with our gay selves and our perhaps “child of color” we will be be smothered with all things beautiful and ugly about my hometown. we will be saturated with humidity and hatred from everyone –  from passers-by to waiters to people in church to some people in the neighborhood. and we will have to reach into our reserves – the place where we store up all of that love and support and energy from people like YOU, from our chosen family and from every beautiful life experience and we will have to do this – we will have to do this sometimes on a dime. we will have to make it look and seem like it’s not work. and we will have to be sure to re-fill these reserves once they are depleted. 

every day, our child will be told how loved and wanted and APPROVED of he or she is. even if it takes acrobats on our part on certain days to make sure that our words and actions of love, want, hope and appreciation balance out the disapproval, stares, and angry words of people who don’t know us or our family. 

there are people in this world who claim to be non-oppressors, yet, they cause people like us to have to use up those reserves on a daily basis. maybe this is due to privilege – of never having to know what it’s like to have to work so hard for your own right to just BE here. or maybe these people have had to work TOO hard at being here and never re-filled their own reserves and therefore feel that it is ok to steal from others’. i’m sure there are lots of reasons to feel that your own stamp of approval is needed for another family’s expansion – a child’s right to BE – just ask any fundamentalist out there about whether or not they APPROVE of gays having kids. some of those reasons, i’m sure, are based in personal pain (unresolved life experiences) and some of them are manifestations of that pain as narcissism. another human being thinking he or she is “higher up” or more enlightened than someone else and therefore assuming that an approval is needed or wanted as we bring a child into our family. 

so i guess my point is – we have enough hatred in the world. enough blatant hatred, enough hatred because of ignorance, and then people who are educated and liberal in their politics but hateful and arrogant in their lives in a way that is, in my opinion, just as oppressive and cruel as people telling us that our queer family will burn in hell. 

like us and many gay couples we know, our child’s family will be made up of our chosen family – some of those people are related to us by blood and some are people who have loved us unconditionally, who have seen us at our best and at our worst and still stuck around. and we have come to realize over the years that it’s the quality of the relationship that matters to a child – not whether or not he/she is related by blood or family ties. and we feel so blessed to have so many people cheering us on. so many kind emails that more than balance out the awful, hurtful ones. so much welcoming and so much joy. 

we are filling up our reserves. we are making wise choices about the kinds of relationships that foster growth and strong, secure mommies which in turn helps to create strong, secure kids … and the ones that keep us reaching into those reserves instead of filling them. 

and i wouldn’t be “me” if i didn’t close this post with a little ani, a person who really seems to know how to break it all down:

“you’re gonna love this world if it’s the last thing i do, the whole extravagant joke topped in bittersweet chocolate goo for someone who aint even here yet, look how much the world loves you…”

 

 

 

 

note: (her mom recently sent her mail to her WORK [inappropriate bordering on creepy] because l. is not responding to her emails and has asked for space since our wedding was such a hard and disturbing experience with all of her mother’s ups and downs, not giving us the money she had promised because i sent her that mean email, and then emailing l. to tell her 2 months after the wedding that she WAS gonna pay for our wedding but didn’t because of the email from me- somehow not understanding that her daughter in the end suffers from her immaturity… not realizing the wedge that puts between l. and i because now i am sad to have created a situation for l. where she did not get money that was promised to her because of a letter i wrote, even though we both agree it was necessary to send it. and in the meantime and since then, her mother has sent her a letter to her work saying that she hopes l. will attend her brother’s wedding and that she’d pay for l. to fly to mexico for it – even though l. has stated 100 times that part of the issue is that she can’t take off of work for that long and that her brother has been cruel and mean to both of us and that she has been put in an awful position of being un-invited to his wedding by his fiancee in a strange string of emails and then now her mom is saying she should go to the wedding…. i mean, how NUTS is all of this????????????????????)

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